I feel like all I’m interested in writing and thinking about right now are questions and not answers.
This morning as I continue to attempt to make sense of a nonsensical situation with my friend, I got to contemplating the question “What are someone’s true colors?”.
We tend to throw that phrase around like it’s some kind of clear defining guide, but in reality I think it’s more like a kaleidoscope, constantly shifting in both color scheme and pattern.
How do we want to define another?
How do I want to be defined? Or define myself?
These are things I’m thinking about right now.
I’m remembering this healer I used to go to years ago named Linda Hooper. She taught me so much and helped me a great deal with lessons and guidance that have stuck with me. The only reason I don’t still see her is because she’s moved away now. I have so many stories I could share about her brilliance (and I may in time).
This morning I was hearing her voice in my head as she said “Kathy you’re good with seeing the best in people. What you need to learn is how to see the truth in people”.
I’m pretty sure she was referencing my dysfunctional dating life and my inability to gauge much of anything healthy giving men way too much leeway and way too many free passes.
I’m thinking about that this morning though, again with questions but no clear answers.
I think about my friend, my friend of many years who I went long periods of time speaking to every single day on the phone in one form or another. My friend who knows so many of my inner struggles (and outer) and who I’ve always felt got me in a very deep way.
My friend who I talked dreams with (literal and figurative) and who understands the world of the unseen and the sacredness of this tattoo I got as she gently rubbed ointment on it with her finger while holding a dagger in her other hand.
What is the truth in my friend? How am I to view her now?
By her admitted and perplexing betrayals or by my years of knowing her as a completely other person?
I’ve spent far too much time dissecting the few days where our friendship unraveled unbeknownst to me. My openness and trusting her while she was smiling to my face; enjoying my confidence while in the same day(s) seeking to destroy it secretly.
I’m remembering the tears running down her face as she kept saying “I don’t deserve your friendship. I didn’t stick up for you. I said things I shouldn’t have.” leaving me entirely confused not knowing what on Earth she was referring to.
Stick up for me to who? Why? What things were said?
I now know more of the story but it doesn’t bring any more clarity to this mud puddle.
My friend who in tears admitted to me she isn’t a good friend in the traditional sense (“I don’t remember birthdays”) but is “loyal to the end”. Who just in a matter of days or even hours of saying that made a series of choices to be anything but loyal. To me, the very person she was declaring this weakness and strength to.
She said she’d stayed up all night fretting about her behavior. I bet she did. And I still didn’t know what she’d done.
As you can see I’m still utterly perplexed by this whole thing.
And I’m thinking who is my real friend? What are her true colors?
In moments of stress do we get defined?
According to what she’s saying, she’s defined herself now as someone who betrayed me so horribly she knows I could never trust her again and that our friendship is irretrievably broken.
Did she want out of the friendship so that desire just blew out of her like a volcano so she made sure I had no other choice but to let her go?
I was clearing out my phone yesterday of old messages finding several I’d not even heard yet.
One was from her. The day before all of this started. And ended.
She was on her way to visit me and left a long message about of all the things she was looking forward to about her trip, the most was spending time with me. Sigh….
How did she go from that to in just a few short hours starting a campaign of throwing me under the bus?
How does this happen?
Trust is a very delicate thing. It takes time to establish and a moment to destroy.
A part of me, as sad as it is, wants to define my dear long term friend as the person I knew all those years who for some unknown reason lost her mind temporarily and did something very self destructive.
Who then died.
I don’t want to define her based on those few days she behaved as a person entirely foreign to me (and to herself). I want to forget it ever happened.
I understand forgiveness but what I don’t understand is the road back to trust after something like this happens.
I’ve never had a really good compass about trust which I think among many things stems from growing up without a mother.
Men, I’ve expected to betray me as sad as that sounds. That’s something I’m working on undoing in the matrix of my belief systems. It got there for a reason. I’m renegotiating that one though.
There is a whole other level at play there in romantic relationships which invites that sometimes. It’s easier to close doors on those kinds of more superficial betrayals. People who really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
But a sister/mother/friend relationship cuts deep.
And I’m sincerely at a loss right now about how to proceed.
How do I go through life feeling protected and yet open at the same time? Where do lines get drawn permanently?
One thing is for sure, I’m stubborn enough to not shut down my heart to my other friends and make some decision that no one is to be trusted.
And another thing amidst all of these questions is that no matter the risk involved, I refuse to abandon my innocence. In fact, I want it back. Any parts of it that were taken from me. I want them back.
I’m thinking again about Linda Hooper’s words — that I need to learn to see the truth in people.
The truth about my friend is she is a good hearted person who I care about deeply and still love. Who lost my trust. Who doesn’t seem to want to regain it.
And that’s the best I can know right now.
I dedicate this post to Rainer Maria Rilke who’s words have sustained me most of my life.