let go

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Good Morning Everyone!  Greetings from my fabulous day off!  :D  I have so many fun things planned I can’t wait to get started.  In fact why am I sitting here right now?

Oh, because I wanted to share this amazing thing I read this morning with you all because it’s a MANIFESTO I believe.  I’ll not say anything more but just share.  Just take it all in, including the incredible artwork.  I’m sharing this from a Facebook page called Shaman Tube.   Cheers.

letgo

She Let Go
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely,
without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a
book on how to let go… She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analise whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Here’s to giving ourselves the gift of letting go…
There’s only one guru ~ you.
-Rev. Safire Rose.
Art by Jake Baddeley

 

 

welcome

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Greetings from beautiful cool Sedona.  I arrived this afternoon to cloudy skies and cool temps (ok for us cool is 60 ok?).  I immediately lit the fireplace, grabbed a hot shower and put on my flannel pj’s.  Ohyeah then I changed my sheets to the flannel ones.  And lit my “log cabin” candle.  I am pretending I’m in a wintry cabin scene.  It’s heavenly.

Speaking of heaven, I had yet another mystical bridge experience last evening I’d like to share.  I swear, I almost never walk that bridge without something truly magical happening.  It’s my portal to another dimension, or reality actually perhaps.  I really need to walk it more often.

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My friend Sue from Vancouver, Canada was in town for work.  I did 3 days on the Master Cleanse so wasn’t eating or drinking so thought hey it would be fun to take a walk and take her to the bridge.  It was awesome–primarily to see her as it had been a few years since we’d seen each other in person and I just love her.  We met online following the Scott Peterson trial and then in person in Vancouver and here in AZ.  As she said last night “I sure wish I lived closer so we could hang out all the time”.  Feeling’s mutual.

After our nice little 2 mile or so walk along the lake, I told her some bridge stories and about my ritual.  How I step on it one way with my right foot with an intention to let go of something on that pass, then on the return step with my left foot with the intention of filling that space with something new.

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me stepping w/ Alfonse last Fall

So that’s what we did.

As we reached the end, I reminded her of the instructions for walking back and we stood at the bridge entrance simultaneously stepping with our left feet.  We walked a few steps and a man riding a bike really fast zipped past us and said something.  It sounded to me like “you’re welcome” but then Sue said what he really said was the word “welcome”.

Welcome!  Welcome to the Bridge.  Welcome to this new beginning.  Welcome back!

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We were pondering this and Sue said “do you realize you just said the word ‘welcome’ as you were explaining to me what to do”?.  I guess I said something like “now we welcome back in to ourselves something to fill the space we just created”.  That sounds like something I’d say.

This cyclist couldn’t have heard me say it as he was probably half way down the bridge when I was speaking.

“Welcome” he said as he rode right past us.  “Welcome”.

A few steps later, I looked up and who do I see walking straight toward us?

My friend Kim Porter!  She’s this amazing playwright and actress I know who I admire so much and have become friends with kind of recently. Walking straight toward me…in to my welcome!

I won’t reveal what my letting go/receiving wishes were but let’s just say seeing Kim was just perfect.

Sue and I ended up sitting on a bench talking for an hour or so more.  I could have sat there all night talking with her but my bladder started screaming at me (ya know, the Master Cleanse).

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So we said goodnight and I got in my car to leave and had a message waiting from another friend.  A friend I’m getting ready to meet at a wonderful spiritual conference next month in DC (Michael Beckwith anybody?).  She was reviewing some notes from the last time we attended this conference together and wanted to share some thoughts with me.

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I’ll just go back and listen and transcribe her message here for you right now.

“We have to clear our resistance to change in order to create space for that change.   And the other thing I read was pretty much the same thing but by a totally different speaker that said we have to create space in ourselves to welcome the new thing we’re hoping for”.

She had no idea I was on the bridge with Sue (who she also knows) performing that exact ritual at the time she left that message.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of feelings and pondering around the whole world of belonging lately.  Feeling untethered and looking for solid ground.

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These kinds of experience show me that I’m always connected.  Those invisible strings are always holding me in place and moving and shifting just like the amazing web of our fascial system does in order to accomodate growth, stress and change.

I live for these signs of life.

And just writing this tonite I find myself breathing just a little deeper.

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thrive

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I wrote this poem today inspired by this small flower I saw yesterday on my hike to Thunder Mountain. It’s still a work in progress but here it is in raw form. Tenses and grammar may be all off but the Spirit is there.

Thrive

The audacity to stay
where you’ve landed.

Accepting the pulling
of your roots; just enough
into this hard, unwelcoming
beginning.

Receiving what you need;
all of what you need.

Nourishing yourself to
erupt forth,
willing to sprout,
lifted to the heavens.

Reaching to the sun, claiming
your certain blooming.

Life: I belong
to this air
to this light
to this world.

Claim me; place me
in your vase of water.

Enjoy my full open petals
as I celebrate my thriving.

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And…headed back up the hill today to Sedona for a few days to take the very first Myofascial Release course I ever took twenty five years ago: MFR 1.

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I’m totally excited for this opportunity to go back to the beginning and see what I may have missed and experience what this next level is I’m to springboard to.


The Opening of Eyes

That day I saw beneath dark clouds
the passing light over the water
and I heard the voice of the world speak out,
I knew then, as I had before
life is no passing memory of what has been
nor the remaining pages in a great book
waiting to be read.

It is the opening of eyes long closed.
It is the vision of far off things
seen for the silence they hold.
It is the heart after years
of secret conversing
speaking out loud in the clear air.

It is Moses in the desert
fallen to his knees before the lit bush.
It is the man throwing away his shoes
as if to enter heaven
and finding himself astonished,
opened at last,
fallen in love with solid ground.

  – David Whyte
from Songs for Coming Home
©1984 Many Rivers Press

http://www.davidwhyte.com/english_opening.html


 

Truth be told, I need to be on the table and for whatever reason my system responds very well to therapy in the seminar setting.

So seeing some clients this am then back on the road again.

Oh and I did hear from the man who about-faced our date Saturday and he shared that something major happened in his life Saturday morning and he just couldn’t talk about it.  So….well I just was glad to know I hadn’t misread him and his interest in me.  I’m not saying he handled that well or that I did perfectly either in my response but the closure was good to get.  At least to that bizarre chapter.  Maybe he’ll cycle back around, maybe not but it’s good to move forward without resentment or fear for the next time.  Speaking of beginnings.

See y’all next week unless I pop on with a pic or note from Sedona.

Here’s to beginners of all kinds.

Please enjoy this beautiful song about transformation and new beginnings.

 

quick update

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update

First off I apologize for unplugging right on a note that I wrote about “depression”.  Ugh!  That wasn’t a good place to leave off and it’s not a place I’ve been stuck in, at all.  In fact the opposite.  We’re all doing much better in my family, Alfonse included.  He and I have been having some fun times lately since my Dad is on the road, traveling to Sedona, exploring restaurants, hanging out.  He’s much better.

I’ve just been super busy.  Ran up to Sedona and repeated a course in Myofascial Release and had a life changing experience there.  A softening and forgiveness experience that pivoted me right back on a true course.  It was amazing.

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I’ve had a potential relationship bud then dissolve and then suddenly and inexplicably slip through my fingers before I ever met him in person.  It was very cool though because I ran in to this fella online the day before he took a business trip to China and he sent me around 150 photos during the week he was there throughout Asia.  It was like going there without having to board a plane for 15 hours.  ;)  Or deal with the terrible smog. ;)

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Oddly, the day we were to have our first date (last night), he choked and cancelled.  No explanation.  And he even had a present for me that he’d brought back from China–so weird.   Who knows what the deal was there but I land on thinking the hand of my protectors intervened and just said “no, do not even go there”.  In doing the post mortem on it last night I realized there were quite a few pink flags and a red one that I was ignoring because I was having fun so…..always learning.  Just gotta trust, always.

And of course it’s better to know sooner than later.  In retrospect I’m completely relieved I never met him in person.

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Although that last minute ditch was shocking and disorienting, I recovered very quickly, for me.  It truly was fun while it lasted even in an online kind of way and the canvas is cleared.  I don’t feel bad about it today. I certainly am not personalizing it which is also a good shift for me as I tend to take way too many things personally that have nothing to do with me.  This pivoted so abruptly from a counting down the hours to our date (literally the day before he sent me the exact hour countdown) and confirming the time/place just hours before to that sudden about face that it’s like the Gods were conspiring to SHOW me I couldn’t find a way to make that about me if I tried (and believe me, I can try).  ;)

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I’m also proud of the way I responded–honest and classy.  I wouldn’t change a thing.   And I will not let that one odd apple, spoil it for other men.   But I’d also never, in a million years, trust him again or give him another chance.   As I’ve said a gazillion times, that initial phase of any relationship is delicate (friendship, love, etc).  If trust gets violated during that trust building phase then you will never get it.  And that was the case here.  Or as my friend Aaron said when I recounted the situation to him for the male POV “ok that’s emotional terrorism”.  Next!

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I do have a sense that romance is on my horizon soon so I’m pretty psyched about that.  I’m feeling more alive in that arena than I have in a very long time.  I’m ready for something real.  This last deal was some kinda dress rehearsal.  I’m ready to step on the stage.  I feel it.

I’m embroiled right now in a full blown remodeling of my downstairs.  I’m getting all new flooring in several areas and this nasty cat pee carpet is getting removed next week!  Also some old Pergo. And all getting replaced with wood plank style porcelain.  Yes!  Matching!

I figured since the flooring in these rooms right now is basically a drop cloth, that it’s a good time to paint. So I’ve spent the last few days painting my walls, crown molding and door frames.

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That red paint covered with mostly one coat–amazing

Valspar Signature with primer.

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Do you know there are hundreds of shades of white?  I landed on one I really like.  Dove White by Valspar.  I had this deep red wall in my dining room forever but was totally sick of it and just decided to go full blown shabby chic in my decor now.  Which means white meets white which meets more white.  I love it. :)

I had to paint over some of my little sayings decals but it’s kinda cool knowing they still exist there as a whisper.

I have a bit more to finish up today, some more things to pack up so furniture can be moved then…it’s rock n roll time!

I love transforming a space.  This is the third time I’ve painted this downstairs since I moved in here.  Painting is like meditation for me.

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So…my entire living room is a disaster zone but my friend Andres is coming over this evening to watch a True Detective marathon.  He’s so easy going saying “we just need a couch, access to the TV and a place to set our wine glasses”.  It will be fun in this crazy mixed up space.

Even though yesterday I basically got stood up by a man, my hairstylist forgot our appt and also stood me up which looked like a whole lotta bummer zone, I ended up having a great time in spite of all that.  Or maybe because of it!

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I asked if anyone else was available at the salon and got a GREAT new color and popped over to my fave restaurant FnB while waiting and the owner took pity on me and gifted me a glass of Rose.  Ended up spending a great night with friends wine and food crawling and good conversation.

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The incredible salad Charleen made for Late Night Love.

All’s well that ends well!

I hope you all out there are enjoying this Springtime (it’s amazing in AZ everywhere).

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Thank you all of you who checked in with me about my brief absence.  It sure feels good to be cared about in the world! xoxo

And more than anything, I HOPE THEY FIND FLIGHT 370.  Just so frustrating and heartbreaking.  And if I never hear the term “zombie flight” again, it won’t been soon enough.

Cheers….Happy Sunday y’all!

depression

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depression

Every single person in my family, that I’m aware of, has dealt with depression at some time in their life.  To varying degrees.

I’m thinking all three of us are dealing with it at some level at the moment.

I just feel like I’m slogging through a swamp most of these last few days.  It just is what it is.  Sometimes my life just backs up on me.

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I jokingly told my friend Amy on Saturday that I felt like I was a walking in retrograde person.

I tried pumping gas and the pump just wouldn’t process my card so had to drive over to another pump while pressing the wrong button lifting my hatch while I was driving and not opening my gas door.

I later went to pick up frozen yogurt for us and four of the flavors were out including every single chocolate flavor.  Seriously?

I am rolling my eyes now even typing that like it’s some sort of serious problem but she did request chocolate and mint and mint isn’t the same without chocolate.  It just seemed like everything I attempted to accomplish was met with resistance.

Now that I write those stupid examples they seem so petty and they are.  It’s also a symptom of depression that irritations are exaggerated and small things get washed with a paintbrush of everything sucks.

Or I’m just failing at everything I try to do.

And/or I really shouldn’t be out in the world right now coupled with debilitating loneliness staying at home alone.

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Yet at the end of the day I reviewed my accomplishments for the day and realized I did drive around paying two bills and did recon on my new flooring project and found what I needed to for that.  Not a lost day entirely.

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And I followed through on my latest plan for when I’m in a funk:

Resist the urge to do some retail therapy and do some decluttering therapy instead.  Meaning instead of bringing something new in to the house, get rid of something old.  That feels so much better honestly.

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On another note, my Dad leaves on Wednesday for about a month.  He’s driving across the country again…sigh.  Not my first choice for transportation for him but he wants to do what he prefers so that’s that.  I support him.  I’m planning though on meeting him on the way back and driving most of the way back to AZ with him in April which should be an adventure.  ;)

And yet another note, I did talk to Cindy’s old friend who wrote me that letter and it was a very heartfelt conversation.  He broke down in tears over the phone with me after harboring twenty five years of guilt.  He wrote me a second letter (it’s kind of touching he’s writing snail mail letters, kind of a blast from the past from 1988) and I’m looking forward to seeing him soon.  I think once I see him in person I’ll remember him.  He’s clearly met me on several occasions but I don’t place his name. He’s definitely legit as he remembers so many minute details of Cindy’s life.   It will be good to make that reconnection.

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Alfonse isn’t doing that great right now.  Not terrible but the depression is just consistently high.  Thankfully he has lots of support around him in terms of his Dr., advocate, peer support person and the program which seems to be working out really well, thank God.  His Psychiatrist is seeing him weekly and always trying new strategies to help him. That is just about the best you can hope for and we sure do appreciate him.

I’m headed to Sedona Wed. to take a class (which will help my funk and a large reason why I’m taking it) and he will likely join me up there over the weekend.  I may move him in to my house for awhile after my Dad leaves.   We’ll just have to see how it goes.

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I wish this was a more sunshiney kind of post as it’s just absolutely gorgeous weather here in AZ.

But it just is what it is.

I think I’ll go back upstairs now and dredge through my closet again and get rid of some more stuff.

I think that will help me feel better.

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I just ran in to this poem online and am adding it here because I just want to end this post on this note:

HOKUSAI SAYS

Hokusai says Look carefully.
He says pay attention, notice.
He says keep looking, stay curious.
He says there is no end to seeing.

He says Look Forward to getting old.
He says keep changing,
you just get more who you really are.
He says get stuck, accept it, repeat yourself
as long as it’s interesting.

He says keep doing what you love.
He says keep praying.
He says every one of us is a child,

every one of us is ancient,
every one of us has a body.
He says every one of us is frightened.
He says every one of us has to find a way to live with fear.

He says everything is alive -
shells, buildings, people, fish, mountains, trees.
Wood is alive.
Water is alive.
Everything has its own life.
Everything lives inside us.
He says live with the world inside you.

He says it doesn’t matter if you draw, or write books.
It doesn’t matter if you saw wood, or catch fish.
It doesn’t matter if you sit at home
and stare at the ants on your verandah or the shadows of the trees
and grasses in your garden.

It matters that you care.
It matters that you feel.
It matters that you notice.
It matters that life lives through you.

Contentment is life living through you.
Joy is life living through you.
Satisfaction and strength
are life living through you.
Peace is life living through you.

He says don’t be afraid.
Don’t be afraid.
Look, feel, let life take you by the hand.
Let life live through you.

-Roger Keyes

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Last night when I told my friend Rob the story I’m about to tell you right now, he replied, in awe “Kathy you have the most experiences like this in your life than anyone I know”.

What he’s talking about are experiences of serendipity and of wonder.

I have to agree with him.  I don’t know if I actually get more of these experiences or I look for them so see them more often.

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All I know is this is the kind of thing that keeps me springing forward in life.  These experiences are truly my reason for living I think.

Now that I’ve created all kinds of suspense, I’ll tell you what I’m talking about.

Remember that day, all the way back to yesterday, when I wrote about betrayal?  Yeah, that.

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Remember the part where I wrote, just random stream of consciousness about how I don’t understand why people get ripped from my life but I do think there is some master plan.  Like space is being made?  Remember the part where I wrote this?

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Cindy what message are you sending me?

After all of that musing and rambling, I went in to work.  I looked down beneath my mail slot and saw a personal handwritten letter sitting there, from a name I didn’t recognize.

Now sometimes people forget to bring their checkbook and mail me a check so I thought somehow I’d forgotten about that and had some money waiting for me (yippee!).

But I was wrong.   Totally wrong.

Well I’ll just show you.

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Yeah, that’s a part of the letter that was waiting for me.

This man waited over twenty five years to contact me.  Why now?  What motivated him to look up me or Cindy and find my office and write me that sweet handwritten letter?  What made him think about Cindy just now?

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More importantly, why is she sending this man to me right now?

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He included both his address and phone number for me to contact him which I will do, later today.

I just had to take a while to digest it.

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I swear I got this tattoo for protection or so I thought but the way it’s unfolding I think it’s much bigger than all that.

I think she pressed her way in to my skin to be joining me in all ways for the rest of whatever’s yet to come.

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I must be ready because it’s happening.

I’ll keep ya posted.  ;)

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